(Legal notice: Heavy use of sarcasm ahead. It may be best to wear or hat or something.)

MUSIC SALES AT LOWEST SINCE RECORDS BEGAN
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/music/article2045335.ece

Meanwhile, in other news:

ELTON BUYS INTO EXCLUSIVE SUNSET TOWER
http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/elton%20buys%20into%20exclusive%20sunset%20tower_1026829

SIR ELTON BUYS RUSSIAN .("Pawn" - ed). PAINTINGS
http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/sir%20elton%20buys%20russian%20.porn.%20paintings

MADONNA BUYS SIXTH LONDON HOME
http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/madonna%20buys%20sixth%20london%20home_1035189

McCARTNEY BUYS BATMAN HOME
http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/mccartney%20buys%20batman%20home

FAITH HILL BUYS McGRAW LOVE JEEP
http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/hill%20buys%20mcgraw%20love%20jeep_08_02_2006

DESTINYS CHILD STAR BUYS BASKETBALL TEAM
http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/destinys%20child%20star%20buys%20basketball%20team_10_03_2006

MARIAH CAREY BUYS MARILYN MONROES PIANO
http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/carey%20buys%20marilyn%20monroes%20piano_26_04_2006

NELLY BUYS BASKETBALL TEAM
http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/nelly%20buys%20basketball%20team

ROBBIE WILLIAMS BUYS A LUXURY YACHT
http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/williams%20buys%20a%20luxury%20yacht

Stuff and nonsense aside, should one decide that one really needs to buy an album from a megapopular recording artist, the following steps should really be carried out:

STEP ONE.
Find out how much Megapopular Recording Artist's new album costs.

STEP TWO.
Find out the name of a band on the same label as Megapopular Recording Artist who have just released a debut album, or have yet to trouble the chart compilers of the UK. This band's album should not be advertised using television adverts, or in newspapers.

STEP THREE.
Buy the album by the new or unpopular artist.

STEP FOUR.
Go home. Fire up Mininova. Download the album you'd originally wanted by Megapopular Recording Artist. Illegally.

STEP FIVE.
Make yourself a nice cup of tea. After all, you've just made the world 2.4% better!

Sorry everybody, but all the reports of how well the likes of Madonna and the Red Hot Chili Peppers did by managing to go without helicopters, champagne and pheasant soup for a couple of hours on Saturday kind of pissed us off a bit.

A LIST OF BANDS YOU SHOULD BUY ALBUMS FROM INSTEAD OF CERTAIN MEGAPOPULAR RECORDING ARTISTS AND STILL KEEP YOUR CONSCIENCE CLEAR. Unless any of the bands we're listing turn out to be NRA supporters or anything, because we really haven't bothered researching this very well. We're already starting to regret this update, to be honest.

Instead of buying a Madonna album, why not buy one from the following artists on the same record label, then just download Madonna's album illegally instead?

FAMILY FORCE 5
IDIOT PILOT
MUTE MATH
TEAM SLEEP

Instead of buying a Metallica album, why not buy one from the following artists on the same record label, then just download Metallica's album illegally instead?

EBN OZN
OLD 97'S
YEAR OF THE RABBIT

Instead of buying a Red Hot Chili Peppers album, why not buy one from the following artists on the same record label, then just download the Red Hot Chili Peppers' album illegally instead?

MELISSA AUF DER MAUR
KING BISCUIT TIME
KARY NG



(*That bit is true, although not strictly related.)